JOINT BASE LANGLEY-EUSTIS, Va. – Gen. John “Mike” Murray pinned the Bronze Star Medal with “snake eyes” device on Major Dennis Klinefelter today for conspicuous gallantry in the face of overwhelming statistical odds during a recent tabletop wargame. Witnesses say Klinefelter, a strategist at the Army Futures Command, displayed uncommon valor as the U.S. ground force commander during the wargame against a near-peer adversary.

“His luck was uncanny,” said Lt. Col. Mike Shephard. “A whole division was surrounded and one turn away from total destruction when Klinefelter swept back his cape and charged toward the table with his ten-sided die. He rolled a one, ten times in a row, destroying all adjacent enemies. Those are one-in-10-billion odds.”

“I'm not gonna lie, it gave me an erection.”