EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. — The U.S. Air Force is testing an improved,vegan version of the classic Cold War throwback weapon napalm, according to Air Force officials. The new weapon is expected to be able to burn the enemies of the United States to death while assuaging serious moral and environmental concerns.

"Napalm is just a mix of a gelling agent and a volatile petrochemical," said Louie Fleischer, a supervisory technical support specialist with the 96th Test Wing. "Historically, we've used animal-based gels. But now that the Department of Defense systemically rejects the commodity status of animals, we are testing plant-based alternatives. They're working out pretty well."

U.S. use of napalm has been limited since President Barack Obama signed the UN Convention on Certain Chemical Weapons in 2009, but former Obama administration officials predict that the Air Force's new version will be used more often in the future. "Obama's real concern about napalm was how it oppressed animals who had never voluntarily enlisted," said Ben Rhodes, Obama's former foreign policy vizier. "I think the country will have fewer qualms about napalm now that it's plant-based."