COLLEGE STATION, Texas – The student body of Texas A&M University was rocked today by news that their Corps of Cadets is guilty of stolen valor and has been for 143 years. Authorities reached a guilty verdict after discovering that despite wearing uniforms in public, displaying military medals, and being big time hardos, less than half of cadets go on to serve in the military.

“The fact that these kids and this institution have let this go on for over a century is unconscionable,” says lead investigator Winston Hughes. “While it does not appear any of the cadets were able to translate their fake military status into getting laid, the vast majority did attempt to get free apps at the local Chili’s every Veterans’ Day.”

Stolen Valor is typically defined as an individual wearing a military uniform and impersonating a member of the armed forces despite never having served. Texas A&M released a statement clarifying that, while the majority of their Cadets don’t commission into the armed forces, some do and all of them take their “dress up and march around stuff” very seriously.