WASHINGTON – Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert Wilkie called his own department’s suicide hotline last night after yet another in a long line of scandals rocked the Department of Veterans Affairs last week, sources confirm.

Wilkie’s administration was already reeling from reports of 11 suspicious deaths at one facility, an alcoholic doctor who misdiagnosed more than 3,000 cases, and Captain America killing himself in a VA parking lot, when the latest scandal made headlines.

“Sounds about fucking right, a doctor sexually assaulting his patients,” Wilkie said as he took a swig of whiskey and changed a sign in his office to reflect zero days since the last scandal. “I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since I took this job. Now I’m just one neo-Nazi physician assistant or spice-smoking nurse practitioner away from suck starting a pistol.”