WASHINGTON — In a shocking new report, the VA has released military suicide figures for active duty, reserves, and veterans while subtly mentioning that in no way did Jeffrey Epstein hang himself in his cell earlier this year.

The report, which outlines the diverse makeup of the suicide victims spanning all races, genders, and ages, highlights the current struggles faced by the Department in stemming the tide of veteran suicide. Recent efforts have been relatively ineffective, despite increased pressure from both Congress and the public to reduce the suicide rate. Additionally, the video feed outside of Epstein's cell was mysteriously "unusable" during the time of his death.