MOSUL, Iraq — A spokesman for Kurds in Syria and northern Iraq voiced some of the most fiercely anti-U.S. sentiments to date by condemning President Trump’s probable pre-Thanksgiving Turkey pardon.
In the strongest terms heard since shouting into the wind for consistent allied support, the criticism came from Hogir Karwan of the Kurdistan Dance Party (KDP), a splinter group that rarely engages in combat but is popular on the northern Iraq club scene.
“I was totally freaking at this really lit club in Mosul,” Karwan said, “when somebody yelled over the music that Trump will pardon Turkey.”
Karwan was shocked to learn that Thanksgiving pardoning is an American tradition dating to President Abraham Lincoln.
“What donkey shit,” Karwan said. “The U.S. has been giving Turkey a free pass every November for over 100 years! This explains why America pulled the old electric slide and got out of the way when Turkey invaded our homeland.”
“Again the Kurds are betrayed,” said Karwan, “The U.S. is the father of stinky smells if this pardon goes through.”
Karwan said that the KDP is willing to copy Turkish behavior if that gains them a White House visit and a chance at their own pardon. “Just like Turkey, we Kurds can easily ignore the cease fires we’ve agreed to, violate human rights, accidentally drop a few artillery rounds near American positions, and keep buying Russian S-400 missiles until the goats come home if that will get us a Rose Garden ceremony.”
Referencing the long alliance with the U.S., Karwan opined that short of a Presidential pardon, Kurdish support with locating ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi should earn the group “at least a White House meet-and-greet with a table of Big Macs or something.”
When informed that the President actually pardons turkeys, not the country of Turkey, Karwan admitted, “Well, it’s possible that I misheard the news, because OutKast’s ‘Hey Ya’ was really blasting in the club, and that’s my jam!”
“Also, Obadaiah Parker can suck it.”
But Karwan concluded that any misinterpretation does not matter, because everything bad in the world is America’s fault anyhow.