MYSTICAL ISLAND OF CATAN – President Donald Trump asked Congress to declare war on the Settlers of Catan, sources report. The dispute began when the president’s hopes of building the longest road came to a screeching halt after his wood and brick production dried up.

“I built all my settlements on six-token resource hexes, the very best hexes, believe me, a very common roll, the most statistically likely roll,” claimed Trump. “And you mean to tell me a six, which is really a very sound strategy, anybody will tell you, a very smart strategy, hasn’t come up the entire game?”

In addition, the desert robber was repeatedly moved onto Trump’s tiles, hijacking any resources he might have been able to draw from that terrain. Suspecting foreign corruption, Trump sent Rudy Giuliani to investigate the Settlers of Catan, whom he mistakenly believed were Chinese.