QUANTICO, Va. – After year of extensive testing, the Marine Corps announced it would begin issuing maternity body armor to expectant mothers and corpulent colonels by fiscal year 2021.

“It’s all about increasing readiness and deployability,” said Brig. Gen. Martin Preggers. “And lethality. For years we’ve been trying to make sure that our Marines never miss training. This new body armor will keep these knocked-up wooks in the fight.”

Staff Sgt. Kacey Johnson, pregnant with her third child, welcomed the new body armor as the perfect accessory to the GP medium maternity tent uniform.

“Honestly, I’ve never wanted to kill people more than when I’m pregnant,” Johnson said. “Maybe it’s the hormones, but I’d bayonet you for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s right now.”