MOSUL, Iraq — Islamic State leader Abu Abdul Bari always suspected infidel intelligence services were on to him. For years, he lived in fear of the CIA, Mossad, and the Ghost Busters. So he was not surprised when he recently Googled himself and learned from Wikileaks that he had been issued an “objective name,” an honor accorded to only the most elite terrorists. What disappointed him was the totally lame name he got: TARGET CORNHOLE.
Bari was even more infuriated by the top-secret target sheet. According to classified government documents stolen and published by Wikileaks, US intelligence assessed with “moderate confidence” that Bari is “a two-bit, third-tier Islamic State leader” who serves as a “mid-level facilitator” in and around Mosul.
“That is camel shit! Listen, I am a very big terrorist,” Bari tweeted after discovering how unimportant the Americans think he is. “I have been responsible for suicide bombings, assassinations and the deaths of many, many American infidels. It unworthy of my position to nickname me after a Midwestern lawn game that is played by gross fraternity brothers in shameless shorts.”
“I deserve far greater infamy!”
Bari, who is also known as Shifa al-Nima, said that he considers the attack to be an intentional attempt to undermine his status.
“The Americans realize that now that the Caliph has been martyred I am a serious candidate to replace him as leader of the Islamic State,” he said. “They are clearly hoping to undermine me with this targeted leak of disinformation. It is well known that Wikileaks is a tool of the infidel National Security Agency.”
UPDATE: Bari was killed in a drone strike on Tuesday after convincing the infidels that he was, in fact, a key terrorist leader.