THE PACIFIC — Ousted Navy Secretary Thomas Modly said Wednesday that he would continue to investigate the theft of one quart of frozen strawberries aboard the USS Theodore Roosevelt, sources confirmed today.

Modly’s investigation, called “perfectly reasonable” by Navy insiders, has continued despite a growing national security crisis which has killed over 10,000 Americans so far and threatens to kill more Americans over the next few months than the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, Vietnam, and the First World War combined.

Modly first announced the investigation during an address to the crew of the coronavirus-stricken carrier, in which Modly invoked the term “servant leadership” and vowed he would “never, ever, ever, ever, ever throw you guys under the bus," according to an audio transcript acquired by The Daily Caller.

The audio transcript did not capture the sound of Modly crossing his fingers behind his back.