THE PACIFIC — Ousted Navy Secretary Thomas Modly said Wednesday that he would continue to investigate the theft of one quart of frozen strawberries aboard the USS Theodore Roosevelt, sources confirmed today.
Modly’s investigation, called “perfectly reasonable” by Navy insiders, has continued despite a growing national security crisis which has killed over 10,000 Americans so far and threatens to kill more Americans over the next few months than the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, Vietnam, and the First World War combined.
Modly first announced the investigation during an address to the crew of the coronavirus-stricken carrier, in which Modly invoked the term “servant leadership” and vowed he would “never, ever, ever, ever, ever throw you guys under the bus,” according to an audio transcript acquired by The Daily Caller.
The audio transcript did not capture the sound of Modly crossing his fingers behind his back.
Last week, Modly relieved the ship’s captain, Capt. Brett Crozier, resulting in a flood of support for the beloved naval officer on social media. Several videos showed the commander receiving a hero’s farewell as he departed the vessel for the last time.
Modly was dismissive of the captain, adding “Crozier was no different from any other officer…they were all disloyal. I tried to run this Navy properly, but they fought me at every turn.”
“Ah, but the strawberries,” added Modly, “that’s where I had them…they laughed at me and made jokes, but I had ‘em.”
Some critics have questioned Modly’s motivation and priorities, given his laserlike focus on bullshit minutiae like missing strawberries, English muffins, and leaked memos rather than the obvious coronavirus pandemic threatening to consume an entire aircraft carrier or the fact that two 1,000-bed hospital ships were treating a combined total of 35 patients as of Friday.
Modly dismissed those claims.
“There are only four ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, the Navy way, and my way. You can shoot unarmed detainees in this Navy, but take care of your sailors and I’ll have you.”
Modly was last seen questioning the sanity of anyone who would make an outlandish statement, knowing it would be leaked to the press in an audio recording which was subsequently released to the press.