The following Opinion article was written by an Anonymous Former President of the United States of America.

I read with great dismay, upsetness, and frowny faces an editorial in the New York Times by a sitting Senator calling for active duty military to be used to do racism against peaceful protesters, who are just acting out against systemic bigotry by stealing and burning things. This is wrong: It cannot get any wronger. As I used to say before I pretended to “evolve” to support gay marriage in order to get the liberal vote, it’s as wrong as two boys fucking.

You should not use active duty military against United States citizens. You should use drones to murder them, like I did when I was serving as your Forty-[coughth] anonymous President.