Active military forced to watch ‘Melania’ documentary at SERE school

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — Several dozen U.S. service members have complained to members of Congress and the Pentagon Inspector General in recent weeks after being forced to watch the ‘Melania’ documentary during Survival, Escape, Resistance, and Evasion (SERE) training, sources confirmed today.

SERE School, which prepares high-risk personnel to withstand isolation, captivity, and torture, has long subjected students to sleep deprivation, stress positions, and simulated interrogations. The addition of the film, however, has raised concerns that trainees may suffer permanent psychological damage.

“It’s not just wretched. It’s offensive to the collective intelligence of the human race,” said one soldier serving in Army Special Forces. “I felt like the guy strapped to the chair in A Clockwork Orange, except instead of Beethoven it was an hour and a half of vacant narration about tasteful drapery.”

According to senior defense officials, use of the film was added to the curriculum shortly after its release.

“Look, we could smack them around, disorient them, deprive them of sleep,” said Sgt. 1st Class Neil Curry, a SERE instructor. “But we want them to understand their breaking point. And this gets them there in under seven minutes.”

Indeed, one Air Force pilot attempted to gouge out her own eyes before instructors intervened. “If this is what the PRC could do to me, I don’t want to fly,” she said.

Curry noted that nearly 80% of students exposed to the documentary began divulging highly classified information before the opening credits finished scrolling.

“Some cracked during the establishing shots,” Curry said. “One SEAL even confessed to things he hasn’t done yet. Now we’re investigating several hypothetical war crimes.”

Another recent graduate described the experience as uniquely harrowing.

“Before they chained us into the theater, a lot of guys were joking that it was just propaganda, no big deal,” he said. “But propaganda has a message. This was just vibes and soft lighting.”

He added, “I’d take a mock execution or Chinese water torture over this any day. At least water torture builds character.”

Although many SERE cadre have praised the film’s effectiveness, school medical staff report that even some instructors are deteriorating.

“Now all Sergeant Kowalski does is lie on his rack and cry, muttering ‘The horror’ over and over,” said Spc. Aldo Hernandez. “It turns out there’s only so many times a man can watch that 90-minute abomination before it annuls his soul.”

In response, SERE officials have attempted to boost morale by staging dramatic rescues after each viewing, with cadre bursting into the theater as U.S. forces to “liberate” students. During the most recent cycle, several trainees reportedly broke down in tears while singing the national anthem.

At press time, SERE officials were considering adding a director’s commentary track to further enhance resistance training outcomes, pending legal review under the Geneva Conventions.