WASHINGTON DC — A Coast Guard spokesperson has admitted that after the USCGC Kimball was forced to fire on a shark during the crew’s swim call, the service has told Congress: “We're gonna need a bigger boat.”
“We figured that after the video went viral, it was time to take up an opportunity to beg for some of that Space Force money everyone’s talking about,” said Coast Guard spokesperson Lt. (j.g.) Manny Horvath.
The recent video displays the Coast Guard’s quick thinking, basically loading up a .50-caliber machine gun and going full Rambo while fellow Coasties frantically swim toward the cutter’s small boat.
“I was on shark watch, and once I saw that thing, I channeled my inner Chief Brody and yelled ‘SMILE YOU SON OF A BITCH!’ and just emptied a belt in that thing's general direction,” said Gunner’s Mate 3rd Class Rory Smerguson, a crew member of the Kimball.
