LACKLAND AFB, Texas — The annual 5-kilometer fun run at Lackland Air Force Base ended early after an argument over critical race theory broke out between organizers and a local marathon club.

Base organizers had envisioned an untimed run for all ages with free drinks and t-shirts. But the Agony of Defeet, a local running club that promotes strict adherence to USA Track and Field standards, disrupted the event by complaining about the need to record times, award medals, and take awesome photographs of grimacing runners at the finish line that they can put on their social media accounts. 

“The history of fun runs is based on cis-fun run-ism that has no place in today’s diverse and inclusive racing,” said one Defeet member. “The ‘26.2 Project’ clearly calls out centuries-old notions of pure fun while putting one leg in front of the other without keeping time. Such antiquated notions must be canceled to promote silky shorts equity and footwear diversity for our Participants Of Competence (POC).”

Gen. Mark A. Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, seemed to agree. “I’m a runner,” he said, to laughter, “and I want to understand runner’s rage.”