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Author: Lieutenant Dan

Lieutenant Dan contributes to Duffel Blog. He also previously served as the lowest-ranking ever Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and as the smartest-ever US Ambassador to NATO, which isn't saying much according to his mom. He is a noted expert on Nothing, and served for decades as a mid-level supervisor in the Federal Dept. of Nothing. In his spare time, he rescues puppies and sings them to sleep with Air Force lieutenant songs like, "Trust the System," and "Don't Fall Out of Formation."
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Gen. Lori J. Robinson, commander of the North American Aerospace Defense Command and U.S. Northern Command (NORTHCOM), was disappointed yesterday when she walked the length of the hallway outside her office without once being asked for guidance, sources confirmed. In the 20 minutes spent in the hallway, Robinson reportedly gazed at […]
THE PENTAGON — An entire Joint Planning Group (JPG) died from asphyxiation after a planner and a future operations officer sucked all the oxygen out of the room during a half-hour argument over the meaning of the phrase “direct support,” sources confirmed today. “Our first responders were on the scene within ten minutes,” said Fort Myer Fire Department […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C. – The night jumps that turned into nightmares. The “sticks” that felt like a stick up his hidey-hole. Cpl. Bryan Copewell, an Army paratrooper, experienced them all. He has catapedaphobia, the fear of jumping. But now he’s found a solution through a non-profit organization called Airborne Anonymous. Copewell admits that he’s terrified of […]
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has ordered the corpse of Army Gen. John J. Pershing to invade Mexico again and defeat “bad hombres,” according to a new National Security Decision Directive obtained by Duffel Blog. Gen. Pershing first led an Army expedition into Mexico in 1916. He died in 1948 on god-fearing American soil. Pershing’s remains were […]
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