MALE, Maldives — The military’s annual Warrant Officer Convention has been deemed a rousing success as over 5,000 officers’ hats registered and flew to the Indian Ocean paradise of the Maldives.

The event sponsored by the U.S. Warrant Officers Association promised networking opportunities, updates on the state of the Warrant Officer Corps, and the chance to drop hats, CAC cards and even car keys on tables before disappearing for the day.

Held at a luxurious overwater resort just a seaplane jump away from the island capital, actual warrants were in curiously short supply at reception. In fact, only three officers attended the entire four-day session.

“We printed five thousand badges, but it was somewhat difficult to put the lanyards around the hats,” said a conference worker. “And we only had three human attendees. They were Air Force warrants. I didn’t know the Air Force has warrants so I hope they’re real. They kept asking about tee times, which I misunderstood as teatime. For the record, that’s at four p.m.”

After registration, the hats moved to an auditorium to receive briefings. In the evening, there were drinks and a buffet dinner, but not one hat drank or ate a single thing.

“They can’t eat. They’re hats,” said Air Force Warrant Officer Blake Handsey while holding three crab legs and a deviled egg in his hand. “More for me, I guess.”

Despite the planned discussion on expanding the warrant officer model to the Space Force, the majority of the warrants were spotted snorkeling, fishing, or napping in hammocks on nearby islands — according to Russian intelligence, which had better attendance than the Army.

“I thought this would be a great way to meet Army Warrant Officers and learn from their experiences,” said Air Force Warrant Officer Sheila Sheilas from Buckley Space Force Base. “But I haven’t seen a single one. Just their crushed-up hats that smell like cargo pockets and twenty-year-old instant coffee.”

Australian media reported that the convention was partially funded by the shadowy E-4 Mafia, a limited liability corporation that has secretly been running the Department of Defense for over a hundred years. But the DoD denied this in a press release, stating, “Warrant Officers are technical experts, not like those Zyn-addicted RipIt rejects.”

MSNBC later reported that the press release was actually published by the E-4 Mafia from its secret headquarters in a country & western bar outside Fort Leavenworth, Kansas.