WASHINGTON — The National Guard, nicknamed Minutemen ever since the colonial militia was organized in 1636, has been renamed Permanentmen after recently achieving its 1000th deployment in the last decade. It came as late recognition that the Guard has been on constant duty since forever, whenever federal, state, local, or foreign authorities are overwhelmed with anything, which is the case all day, every day.

“Though they weren’t in D.C. ‘in a minute,’ as they say, that was due to federal bureaucracy,” said Maj. Gen. William J. Walker, commander of the D.C. National Guard. “But they did stay longer than a minute. And for the sake of preserving my job, I’ll just say that I support this redesignation to Permanentmen.”

According to defense officials, tens of thousands of Permanentmen supported the COVID-19 response for over a year while simultaneously assisting incompetent local leaders with support for hurricane relief, wildfires, cyber-attacks and civil disturbances.

Permanentmen have also been deployed to the Balkans, Iraq and Afghanistan for decades, though there are no wildfires, hurricanes or the assets of wealthy American elites there. It’s even thought that Permanentmen are still occupying World War I trenches in the Somme, France, though no G-1 personnel from that time are still alive to verify service records.