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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 126 · Thursday, 22 October 2026

Pentagon

Hegseth consults God via dumpster fire behind Pentagon

Secretary says God commanded him to invade Greenland, restore Christian values

US to livestream execution of Ukraine

Iran condemns US plan to livestream execution as barbaric

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Vol. 15 · No. 126

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Duffel Blog

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Vol. 15 · No. 126 · Deployed worldwide

Thursday

22 October 2026

1222 Zulu

Next edition Friday

← Front page
Army · Page 4

Army admits warrant officers aren’t real

Yes Virginia it's true, there are no warrant officers.

Filed · 0500

In the pantheon of military traditions and secrets, none has been more protected than what should have been obvious all along: warrant officers aren't real.

Yes. It’s true.

Just like Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and Marines who don’t hate being Marines, it turns out that warrant officers are just figments of our imaginations.

"We first started with the basic reports," said Lt. Gen. Donna W. Martin, commander of the Army Inspector General office. "We've all heard the stories: warrants not showing up to work, soldiers finding only a cover on a desk with warrant officer rank on it, strange rituals."

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