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Navy & Marines · Page 5

Army tells Marine Corps Mattis isn't real

By Duffel Blog Staff · Navy & Marines Bureau · 1 minute

Filed 5 October 2022 · 1534

WASHINGTON — In a heartbreaking turn of events, the Marine Corps burst into tears yesterday when Army broke the news that Gen. James Mattis is just a story created to inspire the troops, sources confirmed today.

“Look, I know you’ve believed in ‘ole Chaos Mattis for years, but you’re old enough to know better — Mattis isn’t real,” Army said with a smirk.

Upon hearing the news, the Corps’ eyes got really wide, and its mouth slowly dropped open.

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For more than a decade, we've deployed pitch perfect satire to service members around the world.

Army tells Marine Corps Mattis isn't real

Also on this page

Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit

Sleeping Marine aces hearing test

Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B

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