WASHINGTON D.C. — In a bold move aimed at lowering the barrier to entry for military service, the Department of Defense is replacing the Mathematics and General Science sections of the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB) with Object Permanence and Basic Sentience. The decision comes in the wake of an extensive study revealing the shocking truth that the average military recruit's scores have been steadily declining over the past twenty years, with a sharper drop-off in the past five to ten years. 

Dr. Richard Harrison, Yale Professor of Psychology and a member of the committee for developing the ASVAB curriculum, said, "We had to accept that this is a new generation of recruits who do not have the skillset of their predecessors. For our military to continue in the modern age, we must meet them where they are."

The decision came after a year of brainstorming ways to make the test more accessible to today’s new recruits. The committee discussed several possible topics, including “speaking in full sentences”, “dressing yourself”, and “being toilet trained” before finally deciding on the two new topics.

"The idea is that we want to get the prerequisites for military service down to the absolute basic necessities," said Dr. Harrison. "We needed to set the bar to a point where the only people who can't reach it are likely in a coma or a newborn baby. We figured as long as you respond to stimulus at the level of a goldfish and understand that things still exist outside your vision, the rest can be taught once in basic training."