THE BARRACKS — Congratulations are in order for Cpl. Jeremy Roosevelt, cited by his contemporaries for giving excellent barracks-life advice, having just passed his barracks bar exam after downing his ninth tequila shot.

Cpl. Roosevelt was encouraged to sit for the exam after his success litigating multiple barracks cases throughout the past year, including the great laundry room detergent robber, the case of the beer can tosser, and the urinator of 2022.

"He was universally nominated by the other NCOs in the barracks. He's better than the commander's open-door policy," said Sgt. Ronald Sardines, the barracks manager. "I saw him turn around a UCMJ violation where a soldier facing demotion ended up with a friggin promotion."

Many a barracks-lawyer-in-training has led their clients astray, garnering the worst possible outcomes for their clients. But not Roosevelt.