This purple-headed messenger may hold the key to Navy operational intercourse!

NORFOLK, Virginia — USFLEETCYBERCOM has announced a solution to years of failed cyber security inspections and resultant unwanted attention from Congress. To make every Carrier Strike Group and Amphibious Readiness Group virtually unhackable, ships will soon be equipped with pigeon-based messaging equipment designed to meet the exacting needs of communicators afloat.

“Pigeons were critical messengers in the days when men had wood and ships were of iron,” said Navy Public Affairs Officer Lt. John Shaft before correcting himself. “I mean men were iron and ships were of wood. Of course. That’s precisely what I meant. Nothing Freudian at all, I assure you. Anyway, let’s talk about the Battle Information Grid Pigeon Enterprise Network Intercommunication Service.”

The new system, known by the acronym BIGPENIS, offers end-to-tip encryption as long as no one interrupts a pigeon before it gets where it’s going. That, and other issues surrounding the insertion of the new communication tool were hammered out aboard several ships in Sasebo, Japan, during a communications exercise called BUKKAKE RAIN. Positive reactions showered down upon BIGPENIS operators from all directions.