JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — A local soldier who fucked his buddy this morning is facing discharge from military service, in addition to criminal charges and mandatory registration as a sex offender, sources confirmed today.

Pfc. Bradley Chump, 18, assaulted the victim, Pvt. Jose Sanchez, at 0600 this morning during formation. Sanchez, who witnesses allege is at a dental appointment, was absent formation and “never even saw it coming,” sources added, somberly noting how much it must suck to go in for dental work after celebrating a 21st birthday.

“The Army’s sole mission is to fight and win our nation’s battles against sexual misconduct, and we go to extreme lengths to ensure our soldiers are properly trained in order to achieve absolute victory,” Chump’s commanding officer, Col. Phil Harding stated. “I’m absolutely disgusted a soldier could do this to one of our own.”