DEPT. OF VETERANS AFFAIRS, Washington, D.C. — In a press conference at the Dept. of Veterans Affairs, VA spokesman Chase Lipinsky, who enjoys slam poetry open mics, skinny jeans, and has never once seen a bottle of dip spit, announced, “Former service members may now claim “butt hurt” as a service-related injury.”
Exactly how many service members and veterans live with butt hurt in everyday life is unknown. However recent studies have determined it is increasingly common in White males over 50, especially those who served for less than 4 years in non-combat roles. Recent major events linked to the onset of the illness include news of 12 weeks of parental leave for military parents, the Marine Corps adjusting female grooming standards, and the Navy’s attempts to implement common-sense sleep/watch schedules to prevent collisions at sea.
Beginning this year, veterans may file a claim for the effects of butt hurt, says X. Carswell, a Department of Veterans Affairs claims officer who classifies themself as a non-binary pansexual and just cuts their hair however the hell they want, “Veterans may expect this added claim to be denied at least twice and should anticipate at least 6 months or more of processing time between each submission. However, shouted truck rants attacking me personally on Facebook generally help overcome obstacles to approval. Depending on the severity of the injury, veterans may be entitled to 0-10% additional disability rating.”
