QUANTICO, Va. — Celebrities everywhere are devastated by cancellations of this year's Marine Corps balls due to Covid-19, sources report.

“Every year I hope some teenager with a shaky grasp on reality asks me to an office party via YouTube,” Janelle Monae said. “People will take it seriously because he's a Marine, and I'll spend the next two weeks being harassed by people asking if I'm going to attend. It's a shame the balls are being canceled because of the pandemic, because I was looking forward to dealing with that this year.”

“Some celebrities are scared they're going to be invited,” Monae continued. “They're worried they're going to be accused of going just for publicity or called heartless for not attending. Not me. Marine Corps balls are a great opportunity to spend the night with a bunch of drunk idiots while a guy who slacked off in high school thinks he's going to have sex with one of the most talented and successful women on the planet.”