BEIJING — Since the first sighting of a Chinese spy balloon by Montana residents on Saturday, January 28, the surveillance device dominated headlines until it was shot down a week later. Coverage focused entirely on what the balloon was and where it was going—until a statement released today by Chinese authorities seeks to tell the world who the balloon was, revealing it to have been a family aeronautical device, one week from retirement.

“The story of the Chinese spy balloon is one of unchecked American aggression,” said the official statement from Beijing. “That balloon had a head full of helium but a heart of gold. The hegemonistic pigs murdered it on live TV.”

The 37-page statement provides extensive background on the balloon and the fateful mission that found it over the continental US. The document specifically highlights the balloon’s mylar family back home, comprising a wife and several, much smaller, Spongebob-themed balloon children.

According to the statement, the spy balloon was a veteran of the People’s Liberation Army We Don’t Spy on America Corps (PLAWDSAC). When dangerous trade winds over the Pacific Ocean made such a mission appear risky, the balloon volunteered for what would be its final mission, taking the place of a wet behind the ears, rookie balloon with its whole life ahead of it.