Skip to content
DUFFEL BLOG

Free military brief. No CAC required.

For more than a decade, we've deployed pitch perfect satire to service members around the world.

Join thousands of troops, veterans, and defense insiders who read Duffel Blog before breakfast.

“A must-read for national security nerds.”

—The Daily Beast
Subscribe form

Free. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime.

14years publishing
4,200+dispatches filed
20,000+readers briefed

Heroic CIF employee refuses to accept triple amputee's bloody plate carrier

Heroic CIF employee refuses to accept triple amputee's bloody plate carrier

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Local Consolidated Issue Facility (CIF) attendant Robert Jones upheld the high standards of his profession earlier this week when he turned away a triple amputee's plate carrier for being too dirty, sources confirmed today.

The body armor, which was covered in blood after Lance Cpl. Warren Childs was grievously wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan, was "totally unserviceable," according to Jones.

"Somebody has to hold the line when it comes to standards," he told reporters, during his fourth lunch break of the morning. "If I accept a bloody flak jacket today, what's to stop these Marines from trying to turn in a helmet with a bullet hole in it tomorrow?"

More Stories

Your Cart

Your cart is empty

Browse the shop to find something you like.

Continue Shopping →
Subtotal
WELCOME10 — 10% off applied at checkout

Add more for free shipping.

✓ You qualify for free shipping!