HOLLYWOOD — A new action-thriller movie based on true experiences from a search-and-rescue unit is set to be the next Coast Guard movie that no one will actually watch, sources confirmed today.

"The Impossible Rescue" stars actor Tom Hardy, whose acting credits include "Inception" and "Mad Max: Fury Road." Sources say Hardy will be the main protagonist whose rescue efforts saved a bunch of people or whatever. Though the sources added that, what’s the point anyway since nobody will see a Coast Guard movie no matter who the fuck is in it.

With Ashton Kutcher and Chris Pine already sporting lead roles in Coast Guard films and supporting roles with Kevin Costner and Casey Affleck, star power seems to have zero effect on audience draw, the sources said.