NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN — After steaming around the North Atlantic for the better part of a week, sources confirmed that the Coast Guard Cutter Hamilton had inadvertently traveled several miles offshore and is currently lost somewhere in the middle of the ocean.

“Hellllooooo! Is anybody out there?” the commanding officer said while nervously standing on the bridge wing. “We are running out of strawberries and I can’t see land! I am an officer in the United States Cost Guard, and I am so fucking lost right now! Oh, Jesus, I think I see a fin sticking out of the water. Can anybody hear me?”

"First we could see land and then all of a sudden we couldn’t!" said Ensign Terry Malacki, 22, who was making his way to the fantail when he realized they were in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. "I was like, 'Oh shit!' and started waving my arms in the air and throwing life rings into the ocean."