SEATTLE, Wash. — A new report from researchers at the University of Washington has confirmed widely held assumptions that most people have no idea what the Coast Guard is, does, or that they even exist, Duffel Blog has learned.

Surveying thousands of Americans over a four-year period, the 300-page report concluded that even though the Coast Guard has been around since 1790, one in four people did not know that the Coast Guard existed or was even a branch of the armed forces.

Most interviews found people asking if the Coast Guard had a reality show about the wacky expeditions they perform or if they had a show about a rag-tag crew of lovable idiots that minimally do their job while making wisecracks toward the camera.

The report also found that some people believed the Coast Guard was a giant wall to keep the Mexicans from swimming to America.