WASHINGTON — Coast Guard officials are preparing for the looming government shutdown, or “fundraising season” as they now call it, with a celebrity-hosted telethon, sources confirmed today.

“Other Homeland Security agencies are getting ready to furlough their employees, but this year we have multiple funding streams to get us through to the next continuing resolution,” said Coast Guard Commandant, Adm. Karl Schultz. “This telethon is only the beginning. We’re doing bake sales, car washes, and some of the boys are already selling plasma and semen.”

“If things get really bad, we have a plan for an organ selling lottery. You only need one testicle!”