FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Jason ‘Jacked Java’ Johnson, the entrepreneur behind the local coffee shop "Do You Caffeinate Bro?", has traded his espresso machine for an M4 carbine in hopes of joining the elite ranks of the United States Army’s Special Forces. The transition marks the latest in a long series of failed ventures for Johnson, who until recently was best known for his ability to crash and burn in almost any career he touched.

“I just never found my calling,” Johnson admitted, wiping down the counter of his now-closed coffee shop. “I guess you could say I was the jackass of all trades and the master of none. Except for making terrible lattes.” 

Johnson, 32, who still lives at home with his mother, is no stranger to career pivots. Before donning the camouflage, he dabbled unsuccessfully in a variety of endeavors, including a failed gym, a short-lived liquor distillery, an ill-fated podcast, competitive air-drumming, and an unsuccessful run for Congress. One might say he’s the Swiss Army knife of ineptitude.

Johnson’s coffee shop was his last hurrah before enlisting, which became a local legend, not for its brews, but for its bizarre ambiance. The walls were adorned with motivational posters of Evan Hafer, CEO of Black Rifle Coffee Company, and Eric Johnson, CEO of Trident Coffee.