The Commandant of the Marine Corps prepares to shoulder-throw Satan

MARINE BARRACKS, 8th and I Streets, Washington DC – America breathed a sigh of relief following the announcement that General Eric Smith, 39th Commandant of the Marine Corps, would be resuming duties as the head of his service.

“I am deeply grateful to the medical professionals who saved my life and accelerated my recovery, as well as to the outpouring of support my family received following my little heart hiccup,” said Smith during a brief public appearance. “But as a Marine, I know that the mission comes first, so I’m back and ready to join my Marines in defending this great nation against enemies foreign, domestic, or with choad nicknames like, say…Coach.”

General Smith confessed that the break had its benefits. “To be honest, spending days in a near-death state, while my spirit strayed out of thought and time, was really relaxing compared to the unique opportunity granted me by some in Congress to work multiple 4-star jobs simultaneously.” Smith continued. “I went TAD to heaven, hell, and spaces in between, making sure demons and angels all had their shit in one sock regardless of billet responsibilities.”