FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Your company first sergeant needs half a dozen motivated dick beaters to assist in enforcing a military suppression of rights and laws, sources confirmed today.

The unit is hurrying up and waiting after former U.S. generals, public figures, and active government leaders have called for martial law in the United States in order to hold a “redo” election to “get it right this dang time.” To prevent election interference and protect freedoms granted in the Bill of Rights, the military would limit and monitor U.S. citizens at all times.

“Listen up!” Staff Sgt. James Mulligan told your platoon a few minutes ago. “I know a lot of y’all got plans this weekend, but if the ones who don’t can’t step up and volunteer for their battle buddies, I’m gonna have to randomly pick a handful of your dumb asses to help suspend the Constitution.”