FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army Pvt. Raymond Kessler, responsible for the twenty-third crash of a military vehicle since the release of Pokémon GO last week, was somehow not even playing the game, sources report.

“I learned my lesson after my last two Pokémon GO crashes,” Kessler said during his burn treatments. “Although I would have rather been chasing down those cute little monsters, I turned that fuel truck into a fiery death trap the old-fashioned way: extreme fatigue from playing too much Pokémon GO before driving.”

Sgt. Lance Pine, who was asleep in the vehicle during the crash, was also not definitely not playing Pokémon GO.