FORT GORDON, Ga. — The 22nd Signal Battalion has selected Sgt. 1st Class Michael Anthony to take over as representative for the unit Sexual Harassment & Assault Response and Prevention (SHARP) program following the retirement of Master Sgt. Harvey Weinstein*.

According to his official biography, Anthony has served in the 22nd Signal Battalion for an astounding 21 years, where he has built a reputation of pure filth and degeneracy from his close talking, constant heavy breathing, prolonged gazes, lingering smell, and insistence on leading a special physical training program for pregnant soldiers. This reputation made him the obvious choice to help soldiers in some of the most vulnerable moments of their lives, unit leaders say.

"I was a company commander in this battalion eight years ago," said Lt. Col. Oliver Jordan, the 22nd Signal battalion commander. "My first night on the job I got a call from a panicked staff duty NCO. He said then-1st Sgt. Anthony was running through the barracks covered in avocado oil, screaming and shitting while masturbating to pictures on the Chain of Command wall. Unfortunately, our hands were tied by this "New" Army and we had to demote him to staff sergeant. But I couldn't be more proud of him working his way back up the chain."

Anthony's appointment did not come without controversy. A small contingent of 350 soldiers signed a letter urging the battalion to choose someone, anyone, else.