MOSUL, Iraq — Grumbling indiscernibly and exchanging telling glares, local parents Hamza and Fatima Abadi expressed for the thousandth time their desire for the household’s resident couch potato to “go out and do something already.”

“Maybe join ISIS,” Hamza added.

“He hasn’t moved in seven hours,” says Fatima, whose unconditional, maternal love died long ago, sources report. “I’m certain he fell asleep on the couch last night as well.”

Antwan Abadi, indeed, has not vacated the sofa since supper the night before, as evinced by a scattering of Hot Pockets® wrappers and an empty plate littered with falafel crumbs. The firstborn heir, once the strongest gamete to brave the gauntlet of conception, succumbed to the rigors of virtual combat in the early hours of the morning, having “schooled many nOObs in the art of war.”