CHICAGO — A military veteran received a sick burn this week after an airline refused to allow him to board a flight with his emotional support flamethrower, sources confirmed today.

Marine veteran Eli Burroughs claims his pet flamethrower, named Smaug, helps him cope with all the other service animals and icky snowflakes that have begun to take up space on airlines recently. All the snakes, reptiles, ferrets, spiders, and Komodo Dragons other passengers claim for emotional support cause him an overwhelming amount of anxiety, he says.

“It’s like Noah’s Ark on flights now days, and it smells like an unwashed kennel,” said Burroughs. “The only thing you can smell on old Smaug here is the napalm, and that smells like victory.”