RANDOLPH AIR FORCE BASE, Texas – In a desperate bid to retain officers, the Air Force has commissioned comedian Jerry Seinfeld as a major general who will lead the Air Force Personnel Center (AFPC), sources confirmed today.

Seinfeld, world-renowned for his standup comedy, television and movie success, was appointed during a moving ceremony held at The Improv, a comedy club in Los Angeles with absolutely no tie to Air Force history.

When asked why he was chosen over career officers, Seinfeld said, “Every time somebody promotes an officer, he’s always the best. ‘Oh, is he good?’ ‘Oh, he’s the best. This guy’s the best.’ But we can’t all be the best. There can’t be this many bests. Someone’s graduating at the bottom of Officer Training School. Where are those officers?”

Sources say that Seinfeld has gotten to work immediately. Soon after he greeted airmen around his office, he looked down at some of their shoes and said, “First, I wanna talk about these low quarters. What kind of shoe is that? Who calls shoes ‘low quarters?’ To me, a low quarter is when you see one lying in the street. It’s a quarter, it’s worth twenty-five cents. You want to pick it up, you’d be twenty-five cents richer. But you don’t know where that quarter’s been, so you stand there for a minute, undecided. And then you get hit by a car. You know what I’m talking about with these shoes.”