BOB WILSON NAVAL HOSPITAL, Calif. — After decades of research and development, Naval scientists say they are within reach of a cure for Butthurt Disease, more commonly known as BHD.

"With BHD the rectum gets so inflamed it essentially swallows the rest of the body, making that person an actual, giant asshole," said lead researcher Doctor Yvette Diaz. "Thus, the puckered frowny-face and shitty attitude."

According to sources at the Center for Disease Control, BHD is highly contagious and does not discriminate among the ranks, affecting nine out of ten military members throughout their enlistments, often repeatedly.