FORT JOHNSON, La. — Congratulations! You have fallen in love with a soldier. You admire his service to the country and like how he looks in his dress uniform. Plus, you get to feel famous when he takes you out to dinner at the Chili’s off-post because he always wears his ACU’s and asks for a military discount. Sure, he always makes you split the bill and you have to drive because his car has been in the shop for six months but your love for one another is deep and true.

Or is it?

Does he really love you? Or is he trying to leave the black mold-infested hell that is the barracks? You know your feelings for him are genuine. Every time you see his pock-marked face and jacked-up fade, your heart goes pitter-pat. You get butterflies in your stomach when you smell the Copenhagen long cut wintergreen on his breath. You were ecstatic when he invited you to the regiment holiday party and asked you to bring two of your friends for his buddies. Yet lately, you have been having doubts. 

Maybe it is the fact that he asked you to marry him after 2 months of dating. Or that he has actually never said “I love you” out loud. Or that all of his credit cards are maxed out from buying a new PS5 but he “forgot” to get you a Christmas present. Your mother’s disapproval doesn’t help either. In fact, she nearly had a heart attack when you called her on the 22nd of December to tell her you weren’t coming home for Christmas because you and “Joe” were having a romantic holiday visit in his hometown of Nowheresville.