WATERFORD, Mich. — As millions of freedom-loving Americans anxiously await Independence Day and the fireworks that celebrate it, veterans like Greg Trotter are reportedly busy gearing up to fight his service dog over the best hiding places in his three bedroom Waterford home.

“I know that selfish fleabag will go straight for the choice places, like under the poncho liner on my bed,” Trotter told reporters while wearing an “I’m Just Here For the Violence” t-shirt. “But this year I will be prepared.”

Trotter, who served two years as a finance clerk from 2014 to 2016 and deployed to Qatar for six months, is already compiling a mental list of places that his three-year old Labrador retreiver, Shemagh, will seek out when his neighbors “unleash hell” this July 4th.