WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along.

“You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.”

Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint.

“I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a standing meeting with freedom.”

Known as the last American service member to depart Afghanistan in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington.