CAMP DAVID, Catoctin, Md. — In a negotiated agreement, after lawyers asked for an indefinite delay of proceedings against him the former President, Commander-in-Chief, and presumed 2024 Republican nominee, the legal woes of Donald Trump came to an unexpected end today. On the advice of noted legal expert and not-at-all-crazy person Rudy Giuliani, Trump accepted non-judicial punishment from Marine Capt. Dylan Waddle.

As counseled by 1st Sgt. Archie Henderson, Trump stood at parade rest with his eyes focused on the wall two feet above Waddle’s head as the Commanding Officer of Marine Security Company-Camp David sentenced the former commander-in-chief to the absolute maximum punishment available at company level NJP — 14 days barracks restriction, 14 days of extra duty, and forfeiture of 7 days pay. Trump will spend two weeks checking in with the Sergeant of the Guard hourly, trimming hedges, and painting parking blocks. The pay forfeiture will cost Trump $7671.23 or 3.3 months’ worth of Lance Corporals.

Outside the company office, Trump excoriated Waddle. “Waddle — and I call him that because he’s slow and big-time uncoordinated on the PFT run — is a raging and uncontrolled Trump-hater, as is his wife, who is not anything to look at by the way. Unlike 1st Lt. Steven’s total smoke show of a girlfriend. That’s the extra duty Trump would like if you know what I mean,” Trump paused and pointed at a nearby squad of Marines nodding their heads and bumping fists. “Waddle and Henderson treated me unfairly — more unfairly than Pfc. Stark got for a DUI in my opinion. It’s a witch hunt of course but I accepted NJP because only I can make sure the company sidewalks get edged the way we used to do it before the Marxists took over.”

Trump then received a set of sheets that would prove too short for the barracks bed and a steel wool brush for scraping mold off the walls from Company Police Sergeant Nate Chumash.