YOUR BASE — It happens every year. We’re minding our own business when suddenly that staff sergeant or chief petty officer who made your life a living hell so many years ago has asked you to attend their inevitable retirement ceremony. If you frequently find yourself dreading the very sight of the NCO who puts the “petty” in “petty officer,” longing for the day where you never have to hear that grating, spit-spraying voice again, then here are a few believable excuses to get you out of the event without surrendering to the desire to walk into a wood chipper.

Look, you guys go way back, and they probably think of you as a supportive and delightful friend since they insisted on you accepting their Facebook friend request. It's just that you remember them as self-serving, toxic, and micromanaging sociopaths who somehow made it this far without a sexual harassment hearing. Besides, you’re a busy person, and that bottle of Dewars isn’t going to finish itself.

So, if you're trying to flake without looking disrespectful, here are a few tried-and-true excuses to free you up and skip the Food Lion face cake:

1. I was giving Medusa a ride and accidentally looked at her and now I’m stone.