THE PENTAGON — In response to the unexpected soiling of a lieutenant's underwear, every member of the U.S. armed forces will now be required to wear diapers, Duffel Blog has learned.

The policy is to be implemented "as soon as humanly possible," according to an unsigned memorandum distributed via email.

Army Lt. Kyle Nathery was apparently in the middle of a pull-up when he first understood that something was terribly amiss. Though he tried a maneuver he described as a "clench-and-retract," it was soon evident that he had reached the point of no return, sources said.

Observers of the incident say they wanted to help, but couldn't think of a way to do so without it being gross.