LAS VEGAS — Your ex-wife and new husband David Cargill were both spotted yesterday exchanging vows at "A Little White Wedding Chapel" in a Velocity Yellow 2015 Corvette Z06 convertible. Sources confirmed the sports car, along with a five carat diamond ring, size DD silicone breasts, and rhinestone-studded Ed Hardy tuxedo, were all purchased with your lump sum SGLI payment.
You were unavailable for the ceremony due to your untimely death in a gruesome motorcycle accident outside Fort Campbell, Kentucky three months earlier.
However, because you didn't pay attention in at least a dozen briefings in the past five years when "those fucking meat-gazing POGs were yapping on" about "changing your SGLI or whatever the fuck," you financed their entire wedding weekend with $400,000 that should have gone to your current, pregnant wife and four children.
