JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — The first class to allow female Soldiers at the elite US Army Ranger School will have its first female graduates soon, a major landmark in the military’s efforts towards equal opportunity for all service members. And according to Sgt. 1st Class Daniel Wilson, “It's a total fucking disgrace.”

Squinting through bloodshot eyes still adjusting to the early morning lights of the office, Wilson, a fat, alcoholic NCO in one of the staff shops, let it be known to anyone within earshot that he “won’t tolerate this political shit."

“Combat is no place for some bullshit social experimentation. It comes down to ability. Ain’t no split-tail out there can ruck up and get the job done,” said Wilson, still reeling from the effects of a massive hangover from the night before, and who has not rucked up himself in the past ten years.