FORT CAVAZOS, Texas — The “Great Place” is poised to get even greater following Cavalry Family Housing's recent announcement that it will house fewer Cavalry families. 

“Things haven’t been going well for people living on Fort Cavazos and privatized housing, whether people are worried about being bludgeoned to death or being sexually assaulted in their own home, so we’re shifting the goalpost,” explained Chris Nimbus, the housing contractor and project manager. “It’s like taking the ball and going home when you start to lose. Except we’re taking the ball and all the homes.”

The same innovative thinking that decided mold in the barracks was an “adulting” issue has come up with another groundbreaking initiative to end the military housing crisis by giving up entirely.

“Well, the idea really came about from our newest project. Imagine the nicest little neighborhood full of cookie-cutter homes,” continued Director Nimbus. “Do we really want Pfc. Joe Garlic and his 2.5-yard apes tearing the place up? I don’t think so!” The director added after a bout of laughter. “These SpaceX folks coming to central Texas will love the move-in bonus.”